Sex and the New Sister: Dating In the New Millennium
By Lynn Norment
DESPITE the hoopla elsewhere, many single Black women welcomed the new millennium at home alone. For some it was a conscious decision; for others, it was the hand that fate dealt. They would rather have counted down the minutes holding hands with a special man or at least a date.
For those Sisters, the new year brings with it some of the same old drudgery. No man. No date. No love.
On the other hand, there are a fair number of Sisters who had several invitations to share the special night.
That is the paradox. Some women with so many suitors they can't make a choice. Others who can't get a date even when they do the asking. It's the mating game 2000. Where do you as a single woman stand, or fall, among the ups and downs, the excesses and famines, of sex and dating and love in this brave new era?
It is difficult enough being a woman, but being a single Black woman and having to deal with today's dating scene has its special challenges. "Dating these days is much more difficult than it has ever been," says Patricia A. Fisher, Ph.D., a counseling psychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C. "We don't have a societal standard or norm that we had in years gone by. There is a breakdown in the family, and people are less spiritual and more influenced by television, videos and music. Society is in information overload. And it is very confusing for people to sort out and try to define for themselves who they are because there are so many influences bombarding them ... All that has an impact on relationships. It is important that people slow down and realize that relationships are not instantaneous."
Women must be smarter about men and dating. Like on the job and in their careers, they must exercise common sense and use good judgment. They also must know the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness, be grounded with values and principles, set their goals and work to achieve them, and recognize an opportunity when it presents itself.
"The problem I see with many women is that they seem to lose all common sense when it comes to men and dating," says Helen Davis Gardner, M.D., a psychiatrist at Illinois Masonic Medical Center/Rush Presbyterian Hospital in Chicago. "They are successful, they are attractive and they have education, yet they are alone. The same principles that it takes to achieve your career goals--hard work and discipline--are what it will take to accomplish your personal goals," adds Dr. Gardner, who is also on staff at DuPage County Hospital.
Based on feedback from those who specialize in relationship issues and women who have succeeded in love, following are some dating guidelines for today's single Black woman.
BODY LANGUAGE TELLS ALL. You had a great time with the good-looking Brother who started out as a blind date. He seems to have enjoyed himself as well. Yet he never called you again and you can't help but wonder why. Perhaps the fact that you were 90 minutes late had something to do with it. Maybe it was your constantly tugging at your clothing. Or did you assume he didn't notice when you sneered at the hostess at the restaurant. Relationship experts say that women often make a bad impression with body language they aren't even aware of. In their book, What Mama Couldn't Tell Us About Love, Brenda Lane Richardson and Dr. Brenda Wade discuss how men sometimes "read" the mind of a woman they are dating "through her body language, choice of words, inflection, tone of speech and perhaps especially facial expressions." They point out that in various ways women convey their insecurities and exactly how they feel about life and men.
Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who has offices in Washington, D.C., and Maryland, says that research shows that in less than 2 minutes, a woman can tell whether a man is interested in her or not. "It's all in how a person looks at you or turns away from you or turns up his nose," she explains. "Body language communicates `I don't like you' very quickly." She adds that women should pay close attention to their own body language as well as that of men when they first meet them.
FEW MEN WANT TO MARRY A PARTY GIRL. Some women still don't realize that even in this new era of dating and mating, most decent Brothers don't want to marry a woman they feel is promiscuous. When a man, even Mr. Player himself, is ready to settle down, he is not likely to choose the woman who slept with him on the first date. In addition, many women wear bare-all, body-hugging clothing to attract men. It does. But when the men are ready to make a commitment and settle down, they are likely to choose a woman who is more reserved and discriminating.
"What you project is what you get back," cautions Dr. Berry. "If the woman projects that she is sexually available, she will be treated in that manner. If you are popping gum and wearing Spandex minidresses, men will get your message and try to get you into bed."
Relationship specialists emphasize that rather than quickly initiating or consenting to sex with a new partner, women should take their time and get to know their potential mates. Dr. Fisher suggests that women resort to the old-fashioned ways of courting. "It was a slow, leisurely process of getting to know each other," she explains. "You didn't have TV or the VCR. People actually talked. Turn off the TV, play board games, read some books and discuss them. Go to community events and art shows. Walk, talk and get to know each other."
Once she knows more about the man, she might decide she doesn't want to sleep with him. Maybe he has a wife and a girlfriend too. Maybe he is a player and only wants to have a good time. Maybe his personal habits and hygiene are questionable. It is much better to discover these things before you become intimate with a man. Having sex prematurely only complicates a relationship.
YES, IT'S OKAY TO KEEP CONDOMS ON HAND. Even after a woman gets to know the object of her attention and decides to have sex with him, she should not let her guard down. AIDS is not a passing fad. It is real and it is deadly. Even accountants, doctors, lawyers and teachers get AIDS. While the rate of AIDS is dissipating in other groups, it is alive and well and growing among African-Americans, especially Black women. You must take responsibility for your own health and well-being, and not be blinded by passion. When a man says: "Baby, I don't need to wear a condom with you. I know you're clean and safe," don't take that as a compliment. And don't let him put you on the defensive. by asking: "Why do I need a condom? I'm not gay." Be smart and insist that the man with whom you have sex wears a condom. It is for your protection. While other forms of contraception may guard against pregnancy, they do not protect you from the AIDS virus.
"More women must take responsibility for their bodies and their health," says Dr. Gardner. "It amazes me how many seemingly intelligent, working women get pregnant `accidentally' or risk getting AIDS and other diseases. If women were practicing safer sex with condoms, they wouldn't find themselves worried and anxious that they might be pregnant."
Women also should be aware that many men, including Black men, are bisexual and have sex with both men and women. It is a subject that author E. Lynn Harris has popularized quite well. Keep in mind that most bisexual men do not feel the need to share this pertinent information with their unsuspecting female partners. And many men who are bisexual in behavior do not consider themselves gay, advises Dr. Gardner, and when questioned about their sexual activities will deny they are gay.
Dr. Fisher says that bisexuality is much more widespread in the Black community than many people would like to acknowledge. "I'm very concerned with what I've seen over the years," she says, "just in terms of my gay clients, my male clients, who indicate that some of their partners are married men ... Many bisexuals are married, professional family men. They are `all man,' at least that's how they present themselves. They might even bash gays, but they are living another life. Women are being exposed [to HIV virus]. That's why a woman must get to know the man before she becomes sexually active. Ask point blank: Do you or have you ever slept with other men? If they become overly defensive, that would be a red flag."
WHEN IDEAL IS UNREAL. Your Mr. Right has to be 6 feet tall, bring home a six-figure income and look like he could model on the side. What single Sister wouldn't love to meet such a man, especially if he also has a decent personality and some values and manners. While you are going out of your way to meet and win the heart of Mr. Good Looking and Mr. High Income, you may be overlooking genuine gems right under your eyelashes.
It makes sense to expand the possibilities. Many women have too narrow a perception of what their ideal mate is. "On the dating scene, there is more out there than we are aware of because of the standards and expectations we have set," says Dr. Berry. "We are not rational and realistic about who and what we want in a relationship. We narrow the field down and expect to find someone with a BMW or a Jaguar, or a top corporate executive who makes a lot of money, drives a luxury car and is willing to share their resources with us. But realistically, what are the possibilities in this category? There are a lot of good men out there, men who are looking for a committed relationship. We have to be more open-minded and more realistic."
A New York graphic artist can attest to this point. Several years ago she met a wonderful man who pursued her relentlessly even though they lived a thousand miles apart. Though she was attracted to his charm and wit and worldliness, she was somewhat put off by his appearance. He was not as tall as she had imagined her Prince Charming would be, and he was at least a hundred pounds heavier. However, after getting to know him over the course of a few months, she fell in love and his appearance became a non-issue. "He has turned out to be a great husband and lover and friend," she says. "I would have been a fool to let him get away because he didn't fit the `ideal' I thought was important to me."
In addition, what puzzles some relationship experts is that so many women who have lofty expectations for a mate have so little to offer themselves. "Often I counsel women who have nothing to bring to the table, but they expect to be well-fed and well taken care of," says Dr. Berry. "Relationships are about sharing and enhancing each other. If you bring nothing, why would you expect to walk away with everything?"
Rather than obsessing about all the great qualities you want in a man, work on being the best that you can be: in appearance, in spirit and in heart. At the same time, reassess your priorities and look for men who are sensitive and caring, spiritual and intelligent, men who would make good husbands, great fathers and loving companions.
YOU WILL NOT GET A HUSBAND BY DATING MARRIED MEN. It is one of the saddest and oldest stories in the world of dating: The attractive, successful Sister who has spent her best years devoted to a married man. He continues to say that his marriage is a mess and he wants out. Yet, he can't bear to leave his children or shatter their lives by breaking up his home. So the single woman waits and hopes. Even if he eventually leaves the wife, he may marry yet another woman. Or if he marries the original "other" woman, he starts relationships 'with other, younger women.
"To women in relationships with married men," cautions Dr. Berry, "I say: stop. Rebuild your self-respect. Don't be like the rental car company that is always trying harder but never becomes No. 1. You know what you are dealing with: a person who doesn't value his family, his marriage or himself. Is that the kind of man you want to marry? If he is a man of principle, he would be decisive and resolve the relationship that he tells you is so unhealthy and so unfulfilling. When they string the single woman along; it's basically about you offering what they want The are in control and have established the rules. They are telling you: `I have priorities. If you want to be with me and be No. 2 or No. 3, then join the harem.'"
PAIN DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. Even in today's progressive society in which women are demanding equal rights on the job and in the bedroom, an alarming number of women get involved in abusive relationships. After a few dates, they realize that the guy has a problem controlling his temper. Often it turns out that he can't control his hands either. Or the man will start to play mind games and use that and other means to control the woman, even though he may be seeing other women and has no intention of making a commitment. Women must realize that pain, physical or psychological, does not equal love. He is not slapping you around because he is jealous and loves you. He does not insist that you sit by the phone waiting for his call because he cares about you. Recognize such behavior for what it is: abuse. Move on and don't look back.
DON'T BE A DESPERADO. In today's world of endless opportunities, no woman should exude an air of desperation. Yet many do. They meet a great man who shares their interests and who also has an interest in them. But after a date or two he doesn't call back because the woman has already slept with him, indicating she is desperate for sex and companionship, and she has begun to talk about marriage and children. Or she calls him so often on the job he has to have his calls screened. Even worse, she begins to drive past his home just to see if he's there. Any decent Brother is put off by such behavior. Women must conduct themselves with grace, respect and composure. That is what attracts a good man and that is what will keep him coming back.
The bottom line is that there are still good men around, and many of them are hoping to connect with that special woman. "Know want you want out of life," advises Dr. Berry, "and what you want in a man, and accept nothing less. If you deserve it, you will get it. Know your standards and assess the man under consideration. If he fits your standards, go for it. After a period of time, when you realize that this is not what you want, then don't stay in there trying to rehabilitate him."
For single women on the dating scene, the key to meeting good men is to believe in yourself, respect yourself and love yourself. If you love yourself, others will also love you. And keep in mind that you should want a man who will enhance your life, not be a reason for living.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
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